When should you be stubborn?

I admit, being hard headed can be an advantage. Think about how often we are thrown setbacks in our life that could force us to quit. Having a professor in college that will not consider your efforts as valid or having a boss that values your time in the office more than your health are good examples.

We can look at those moments and either give up or persevere. Do we quit school, or our job when that happens? We certainly can. It would take away the problems presented by these obstacles. It would create a whole new set of issues as well.

The decision to change directions in life should not be made impulsively.

This is why we have to be mindful of our stubborn streaks. Would quitting that class really show the professor that they have wronged you? Not really, they would get paid the same and have one less person to deal with that semester. Leaving a job without a plan can be difficult as well. We have to keep making money or prevail on our support system to help sustain us.

This problem with stubbornness can seep into our relationships as well.

“I am not going to stop being mad at my friend for at least two days.” What good comes from punishing someone for a fixed length of time in the relationship? When this happens, there is no way to reconnect or to win until the deadline has lapsed. We couldn’t expect to make it better if one side is insistent on making sure that they are fostering their anger intentionally. This behavior sets it up to continually degrade the relationship.

If there is so much negativity resulting from it, why shouldn’t we just eliminate it from our behavior?

It is a tool, just like our anger can be. Like all tools, they don’t work in every situation. I can use a hammer to pound in a screw, but I will cause less damage if I use a screwdriver.

We have to choose the right circumstances to be stubborn.

Look at our two examples above. I could be stubborn and quit to avoid the class. I could also be more focused on my studies. I could work harder and pass the class in spite of that professor. The same is true of work. My stubbornness could be used to set solid work/self-care time for myself. I may be uncomfortable with setting that boundary and the confrontation that would be associated with it. It will certainly be more comfortable than being pushed to work when I am sick. All of a sudden, being hard headed is an advantage!

Approach relationships the same way: Don’t be too stubborn to forgive.

Be too hard-headed to damage the relationship over something small. Be focused enough to give one more attempt at a meaningful reconciliation.

Having a stubborn streak is a blessing when used in a manner that benefits you. When it gets combined with pride, we often see the problems start to rise. At this point, we are using a tool carelessly. That’s how injuries happen. Take it upon yourself to be mindful of when and how you use it. Imagining it as a blessing becomes easier once you disconnect pride from it. If you ask your support system, they will help you do it.

We’ve worked with many couples where both have that stubbornness and pride. We know how much of a challenge it is and how to work through it. It can be done and in can be done without any coaching. It is significantly easier with help. Let us know if you need some. (Don’t think with your pride!)