When should I let go of a relationship?

As a therapist, I tend to be a bit of an optimist in relationships. People come to me for the purpose of healing wounds. Some of them are pretty severe. Depending on the source of the emotional scarring, I can usually help couples find a path through their concerns and barriers. Once they start to get back to working together rather than against each other, progress tends to speed up. It’s kind of a snowball effect. The momentum builds with their success. The confidence in themselves and each other increases. The relationship gets back on track. My clients can go enjoy their happy healthy relationship.

I am excited to get to be couples’ relationship cheerleader. I like offering support and the occasional insight to help them develop their love and refine their skills. I help alter the patterns that people think about in a relationship. It helps people come from situations that can be very daunting. There are times however, when I see a relationship and my immediate instinct is to say “NO” when they are still together.

Okay…What causes that reaction?

Every therapist needs to have lines that we set for ourselves and for the people we see. In the case of relationships, I will not have clients who are abusive or who degrade the relationship with an affair. Both behaviors eat away at the people in the relationship.

Physical abusers and sexual abusers are not capable of being in relationships. People who are so unconcerned with wellbeing of their significant other are not capable of being a loving partner who will provide stability, security, trust or intimacy.

Emotional abuse can be worked through assuming both parties make it stop immediately. In a therapy session, it gets stopped immediately. If the couple is capable of performing this when they are at home, it is possible to recover from. In either case, it cannot be ongoing.

Ongoing affairs are another sign that commitment is not there. When a person seeks to be fulfilled outside of the relationship, why be in the relationship? A solid partnership will seek to have both people working to fulfill the needs, wants and desires of the other. The love and consideration shared will often build this up to encompass the expressed needs of everyone involved. This can be a lot of work! If someone is busy having an affair, they are not capable of devoting the time and effort to create that strong of a relationship.

Relationships can heal from an affair. They cannot heal such damage if it is continuous.

These two points are not a catchall in therapy. People in the relationship will often have their own cutoff for what is survivable and what can not be mended. Someone with years of damage from narcissistic abuse from a parent may not be willing to work through that with a spouse.

Distractions in relationships abound. Make sure that you are in a relationship with the ingredients to be healthy. There will be other factors: pets, finances, work. You will have to decide for yourself on the value of them in comparison to your wellbeing. Letting go of an unhealthy relationship will cause some immediate problems, but create the opportunity for long-term love.