What the heck is a “Men’s Issue” in therapy anyway?

If you search for a therapist on psychology today or therapy sites there’s a category called “Men’s Issues”. I looked around. Well guys, we apparently have enough issues to deserve our own category. There was also one for women’s issues so you’re not off the hook ladies!

Why do we need separate categories for men’s and women’s issues?

Simply said, men and women are different enough in the physiology of their brains, the way we react to stress, the way that we socialize and the way that we interpret information that we need to make sure we have a counselor who understands those needs. 

One joke that is repeated in my couples counseling sessions is that I listen to blue and pink and I translate it into purple so that we are all on the same page. That came from developing an understanding that I was essentially learning two different ways to communicate. It really can feel like learning a foreign language.

Men and women focus on different dimensions and nuance. This will come out in all forms of how we interpret the world.

With that in mind: what makes an issue exclusively the realm of “Men’s Issues?”

It’s the perception and interpretation of a concern through the eyes of a guy.

Here’s a simple example. Ask a group of guys to talk about their feelings and how much they love their significant others. The immediate reaction in the room will be one of discomfort. Why? Is it because they don’t care deeply enough for their significant others to declare their love? Of course not. Guys just don’t do public displays regularly. It’s uncomfortable for them. Men will generally tell their better half that they love them in private or on all appropriate holidays, but not as part of a larger group of men.

Guys will also avoid the subject of anxiety and depression. Hard emotions are expected to be handled “internally”. If it is really bad, a close friend or family member can be sought out.  What this means is that guys seek counseling less frequently than gals. Usually as a last resort. Sometimes being given permission by someone who they respect will make it easier to seek help. Regardless, it’s a struggle.

The therapist need to be someone who can be trusted by the man implicitly. Therapy is often about forming a close, trusting relationship. As someone who works with guys, I understand the need to build this relationship and that it may need a slower pace than with women.

I will give you an example of having to overcome a long-standing habit. During a visualization exercise in therapy, people are asked to close their eyes. If someone asks a guy to close his eyes, his near-instant reaction will be a solid “Nope, not happening.” Guys will be looking for a prank and seeking ways to minimize being vulnerable. It will take a while to get comfortable with the idea that being a little more open will get them where they want to be.

We are going to write a few of these posts about the ways that we can help our boyfriends, husbands, brothers, fathers, sons and ourselves. We hope to make it easier for men to reach out for help by educating everyone on this process. I hope that it might make it easier in couple’s counseling as well.