The MAGIC “I” Statement: A foundation of communication in a relationship
Have you ever been involved in an argument that you didn’t start? Of course, you have. There are a lot of reasons for why this happens. Sometimes it was the goal all along. Other times, it was a result of increased negative emotions that happen during some forms of communication.
In other cases, it was unintentional: another person said something that immediately put you on the defensive and feeling hurt. An argument ensues. Emotions continue to build. Both of you are not feeling particularly good about the direction things are going, but it’s hard to figure out how to slow it all down. It will happen eventually and you will both need some time to recover.
One method to decrease these types of arguments and build the relationship, instead of creating damage in it, is by developing consistent and clear ways of bringing up concerns.
By having a consistent way of reaching out, your significant other will be able to follow along through your familiar communication pattern rather than try to figure out how it’s being said. This means that they can spend more time on the message that you are trying to deliver and less mental energy on picking it out through the clutter.
Clarity is the next step. This isn’t simply word choice. This includes creating calm for both of you. It is hard to hear your message if the other person is angry or indifferent. By being clear, you are able to increase the ability of both of you to be heard.
This is where the I statement and Reflected Response comes into play. It follows a consistent pattern, does not place blame, and can be used to express needs, wants and desires. DO NOT USE “YOU” in the I statement.
The I statement script:
I feel ________________(an emotion)____________
When __________(the situation, event, or behavior)__
What I would like is _(a specific, satisfying resolution)__
Can you help me with that?
The reflected response:
Ok. You feel (emotion) when (the situation, event, or behavior) happens. You want to (specific, satisfying resolution). Do I have that right?
(Our I statement person): Yes
Reflector: (comments, questions or concerns)
Here’s an example:
(#1) I feel anxious when I perceive that I am being ignored. What I would like is for us to stay focused on each other and not technology when having a talk about our day. Can we do that together?
(#2) Okay. You feel anxious when you are being ignored and would like us to do better at focusing on each other? Do I have that correct?
(#1) Yes!
(#2) Okay. Am I spending too much time on my phone when we are talking?
(#1) I think that may contribute to me being nervous.
(#2) Okay. I can work on that.
(#1) Thanks!
This is an excellent tool to use in your relationship. It prevents build up of negative emotions and creates an avenue to find out exactly what our significant others are thinking. This fosters trust and more consistent communication. It may feel a bit stiff in the beginning as is the case with most rituals. It will become more comfortable and familiar with practice.