The end of a relationship is like quitting drinking
One of the most brutal things that can happen to us is being all the way invested in a relationship and have it end suddenly. The most common reason for this is that our partner was unhappy with the relationship or just unhappy with us as people.
There are often signs and signals when we look back that can be seen as a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the painful conclusion of our relationship. Sometimes they are obvious. We might be told that the other person is unhappy. They may give a fairly solid accounting of what the problem is. Other times, they have kept their reasoning to themselves and all we get is an “I’m sorry, it’s over.”
Regardless, it can be hard to see in advance. Being proactive in one’s relationships is often the key to decreasing the chances of a sad ending. (This is true with friendships as well!) By having a “state of the relationship” talk on a regular basis, you and your significant other can work to make sure that you have a mutually satisfying, healthy connection that will last.
This article, however, is about the times when it’s over so suddenly that you may have whiplash. You’ve been in the relationship long enough that you have done some serious planning (living together, marriage or talk of marriage, kids, etc.) There’s no buildup or warning. The entire trajectory of your life has been changed. One day you are secure in your romance and the next you have an emptiness.
When people are trying to quit an addiction, they inevitably have to confront the very real issues of withdrawal symptoms. It doesn’t matter if you are addicted to Alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling or video games. The brain changes when we’re addicted. The brain has changes when you are in love.
What that means is that, in order to get through the heartache, you are going to be literally rewiring your brain.
Luckily, this process doesn’t require major surgery. Therapists like us help clients do this on a regular basis. When we help to change your mental habits, you gradually grow new neurological connections. As those connections become stronger than the old ones, you get over your previous “addiction”. In this case, your heartache gets better.
So, how do we begin this journey?
Get out of your home
Why? Well, if you shared it with the other person, you are going to have lots of triggers there. I don’t mean that you have to move, but you want to spend less time there if possible. Remember, we’re making new habits to replace old ones. Let’s not be in a place that constantly reinforces old memories.
Go cold turkey on your social media
You know who’s on social media? Your ex. When you’re trying to get past them, you don’t want to veer into them. It’s like quitting drinking by walking down the street where everyone does their pub crawls. Don’t do that to yourself. Social media studies have shown that people tend to simulate happiness when posting. That makes us feel worse when we see everyone is having a great time while we’re suffering. Now is the time for personal and social growth. Time to read. I like books. They don’t have wifi capability. Magazines work too. Anything that keeps you actively engaged.
Take the time to name your feelings.
One of the ways that we learn to solve a problem is by discovering the shape of the problem. If you identify all of the emotions you are feeling, you can apply healthy coping skills to work through them. I can work on my anxiety by changing negative thoughts like I’m gonna be alone forever. I can use my anger to pick fights with people (not healthy). I can use it to motivate me and say” Screw you, I’m better than you anyway and I’m just going to improve.”
Exercise!!
You can sweat out some of that nervous energy. One of my favorite phrases is that the best revenge is a well-lived life. No one says that if you’re suffering that you can’t be looking better while doing it. Do it to make yourself proud. It will help restore some self esteem too.
Reach out to friends
Keep in mind, we’re looking for ways to move through and then past your pain. If you go hang out with your drinking buddies, you’re more likely to want to have one with them. With that in mind, carefully consider the people you hang out with. Are they mutual friends with your ex? Will they become a topic of conversation regularly? Pick the people who are healthiest for you. Use those connections.
Ask for help
This goes along with reaching out. Guys especially are taught to handle out own stuff. We are expected to be independent. A lady may be feeling embarrassed that she was fooled by this person. You are not expected to do all of your healing alone. People who drink have AA. There are support groups out there for getting over heartache too.
Push yourself!
Challenging yourself is a fantastic way of rewriting your brain. This might be a time to learn a new language. You can meet someone who speaks a new sexy language. Heck, you’ll BE someone who speaks a new, sexy language. Get out of that comfort zone. It’s the familiar place where that old way of thinking lives and where your old memories haunt. Doing new and challenging things will take you to a better you.
Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself for dating them. Forgive yourself for loving them. Forgive yourself for still having feelings for them. Forgive yourself for slipping up and calling them. Forgive yourself for everything. You are human. People have to be able to give themselves a break. Not an excuse. Whether it is drinking too much too often or a bad relationship that took a long time to quit, learn from it. Don’t repeat the mistake. Become the person who will attract the romantic love you deserve.