Sons of Anarchy: 6 Tips for sons with narcissistic parents
For children who grew up in a home with a narcissistic parent, life has been a constant battle against someone who has actively manipulating them since birth. Children with narcissistic parents do not have the same childhood as a “normal kid”. Keep in mind, I am not saying that all other parents are perfect and that children don’t have to learn to adapt (and recover from) a host of problems growing up.
Narcissists are simply a different breed. They consider their children to be props that are designed to enhance their own appearance. They maintain control through dependence and when that dependence starts to give way the normal and healthy push towards independence that all children go through over the course of their lifetime, they begin to attack and degrade the child to the point where they fall in line or fall apart.
These children are led to believe that the world is more dangerous that it is. The chances of being damaged are so severe that they must stay in the safe womb provided by their homelife. They become very risk averse. They don’t understand how to develop their own self-esteem. They are constantly forced to give to that narcissist in their life in order to get the feedback that they were manipulated into believing was love.
Children in this boat are groomed to become a source of emotional nourishment for an empty narcissist. They are constantly being fed destructive thoughts that reinforce their parent’s world view and their place in it.
If children are very lucky, they have another parent who can help them see a way out from this predicament. If not a parent, friends, family, romantic partners, therapists, or support groups can play a role.
Men who grew up in this world have additional challenges facing them.
We are already socialized not to show emotion except under tightly controlled conditions (if my dog dies, I’m crying). In order to seek help as a man, he must be willing to admit that he needs it. This can be serious hurdle from the standpoint of asking for emotional help.
Men are brought up to be independent and to solve their own problems. Even if you are being raised by a narcissist who is constantly informing you that you cannot do anything without their approval, the rest of the world is telling you, as a guy, to solve it yourself. This creates a perfect lose-lose environment. Once you are able to recognize that it takes strength of character to ask for help and that it is not a sign of weakness, more positive change can happen.
Tip #1: Communication plays an important role.
Ask a guy what he’s thinking and you will hear “nothing”. The truth is, men think all of the time. Men often don’t feel the need to report that they were thinking about the same thing that they were thinking about the day before. It takes time to create the idea that communication is as much about connection as it is about sharing pertinent information. Sons who are survivors of narcissistic mothers (or fathers) hear and feel this message more than other children. What’s the point of sharing if it doesn’t matter?
Tip #2: The best way to fight this is through your awareness. You need to become self-aware.
Be aware of your emotions and their source
Be aware of your thoughts
Be aware of your bad habits
Be aware of the good ones that can be developed.
Tip #3: Accept Responsibility
You are not responsible for what your abusive parent did to you. Now that you are working to be free of that trauma, your choices are your own. Part of what you went though was being told you were incapable of making any decision without your abuser. Being responsible and accountable for your choices will help you recover faster. Men who accept personal responsibility develop habits faster and show higher levels of motivation to succeed.
Tip #4: Don’t Isolate!
Quite often, the pattern found in men is to seek escape and solitude. If a man is in a place where is does not need to confront these problems because he is not interacting socially, he will not have to make changes. He is rewarded by not having to deal with that discomfort.
This escape can be self-medicating through some form of addiction such as drugs, alcohol, sex or gambling. The numbing of emotions will prevent the level of discomfort necessary for change. This will mask the reason for the dysfunction as well
Tip #5: Tell yourself that what you are going through is normal.
Men can be so divorced from their emotions that having any outlet is a form of freedom. Men will often talk about the mechanics of a problem as opposed to the actual emotions behind of it. When talking about their abusive, narcissistic parent they will say “They shouldn’t have done that” rather than say “it hurt me so bad when they did that.” Getting to the emotion is a struggle for men as a rule.
Giving yourself permission to not be perfect through this process is vital. Professionals are not even immune to this. I know one therapist that had to read a book on emotions in order to learn how to express them with clients during his training. As a man, you need to be comfortable with failing in order to succeed at this. Learning to connect to themselves emotionally is a gamechanger for recovery in men. Remember, this leads to connecting with others.
One emotion that men are allowed to feel almost freely is anger. There is an implicit permission to be angry as a guy. In this role, sons of narcissists can’t always take it out on their abusive parent, but they can share their pain with others. This can be a path for becoming a narcissist for the son.
Tip #6: Remember that perfect is the enemy of good.
In the narcissistic abuse that you suffered, lack of perfection was a weapon to be wielded against you. As a man in recovery from this type of abuse, perfection can still work against you. Some therapists have experience working with the unique demands of men in therapy. A lot of the literature us written by and for a female perspective. You have to work harder to adapt it for your needs, but there a lot of value in taking the time to look at it.