Relationship roles and social pressure: Some tips for doing it your way
Dividing up relationship and household roles is not about politics or who can run a nation. It’s about the partnership and the “Business” of running a long-term loving relationship. We all have strengths and weaknesses. It’s a great thing to continue to work on those weak points. Some of those weaknesses can be detrimental to our relationship or our day to day functioning. When it comes to figuring out who should do a job or perform a task in a relationship, it’s best to play to our strengths.
Think about it. We could look at it as an invitation to stereotype. The woman should cook. Absolutely! If she enjoys it and is good at it, then she should take on that role. If she can’t boil water, probably not. The same is true of men. Men should take care of all of the car maintenance. Sure, if he can be counted on to remember that it needs to get done and has a working knowledge of it please, by all means. If he has no idea how to change a tire, maybe that role shouldn’t be his.
The point of the matter is that in a relationship, the politics don’t really matter as much as creating an environment and partnership that helps each member of it. If one person is picking up the kids, maybe the other one should be planning dinner. If one person is more organized, they should be the one controlling the family calendar.
There is a place for a “traditional” family role if that is what you both want. If one person wants to stay at home and run the household while the other person is in charge of bringing in the majority of the money, go for it! The important part is that you both make the choice together. We live in an age of “shoulds.” We need to bring home a ton of money and still create the perfect household while having time for our significant others and being the best friend anyone could hope for. Yeah, we should do all of that. We would all expire from exhaustion. It’s impossible to do everything well. That’s why we tackle the world in twos.
There is a temptation to use social comparison to make sure what you are doing is “right”. Do you make enough money? Do you go on vacation enough? Are you eating out enough? When people perform these social comparisons, they tend to increase their levels of insecurity and depression. Social media is a good example. If we look through our Facebook feeds, we see the majority of posts are people being happy and doing really cool activities. This does not actually reflect any individual’s reality. Most of us have exciting moments and then return to our routines. We just see them all at once in our news feeds.
Reflect on the choices you make in your relationship. You have a good reason to make the choices you do. You are smart and know your situation. Don’t dwell upon how put together someone is the one time you see them. It will allow you to challenge those doubts that sneak in.
If you feel resentment in your role talk to your partner. You have every right to make healthy changes for you and your partner. One of the largest relationship killers is that building resentment. Generally, this will lead to continual fighting which can develop into even worse problems. If you want to make a change in the relationship have a discussion and come up with a plan.
Remember that you are a TEAM. Even though a job might be yours or theirs the majority of the time, both people need to be able to step into that role. One of you is sick? Well, it’s time for the other to become the nurse, chef, janitor, and whatever other role comes up. We have to be for our relationship and for our partner. The way we handle our adverse times together become the moments that keep us together.
Flexibility and accountability. Just like remembering that we are a team, we need to be able to find time to take care of our end. You may want the house clean every Friday night, but that could be your only date night. Now, if a given chore is not getting taken care of regularly, the two of you need to discuss ways to ensure that it is getting taken care of and accountability is maintained.
Do your partner’s job sometimes. Nothing is nicer than coming home to an unexpectedly clean house or finding out there was a financial bonus you hadn’t been counting on. One of the jokes about a long-term loving relationship is that it is simply “asking each other what should be for dinner until one of you dies.” Sometimes nothing is more wonderful than seeing a text that says “I picked up dinner already from that place you like”. The more time you free up for your significant other, the more time they can spend lovin’ on you (in case you needed a selfish motivation). Remember, the only pressure that matters in the relationship are the ones that you place on yourselves and each other to improve you lives. Everyone else is just making noise. Respect your better half, create a place devoted to your love and your future and work towards your happiness and not someone’s idea of what it should be.