Reader Question – Why do I still miss my (Narcissistic) Ex?
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Why is it that we still feel a sense of loss when an abusive relationship ends? It’s because we don’t live in a world of absolutes. We don’t have a completely one-dimensional relationship with any person. When we were children, we’re presented with stories where there is clearly “good” and “bad” behavior. As we age, we’re taught right and wrong. We develop nuance. All of a sudden, a situation can be right in all ways “except when this thing happens.”
It’s the same with relationships. We know that a narcissist is an emotional predator. We don’t always catch on to that early in the relationship. We are manipulated into thinking that they have some great qualities and that they have genuinely good intentions towards us. They are able to simulate feelings that resemble honest affection (at least, in the short-term).
This building stage of a relationship is when we form our own attachment and perception of the relationship. We tend to remember the beginning of courtships with fondness. We internalize those feelings and use that emotional bank account to maintain relationships when we have rough patches.
A narcissist knows how to fill that bank account with counterfeit feelings.
They move on to grooming you through emotional manipulation. They pressure you to change the way to think about the “love” you are getting. You begin to view your relationship through the lens that they gave you to do it. If you are trying to make a relationship work, you may begin to rationalize ways to explain why you’re staying in it.
All of this adds up to you only being as happy within the framework that you created for yourself (with help from your narcissist). The process of leaving the relationship begins when we begin to realize that something isn’t right and that we’re not actually being emotionally fulfilled. The leaving process can be an entire article in and of itself. (I will work on it.)
Fast forward to being free of the cycle of narcissistic abuse that you endured. You are on your own again. Time and distance often dull the edges of a painful experience. We’ve all said that “we’ll laugh about this someday.” That is a coping mechanism that is built into us in order to help us survive difficult and damaging experiences.
Old mental habits combined with having those painful experiences being more distant can lead to us being more inclined to remember “the good times” even if they were the result of narcissistic manipulation. Those periods of nostalgia are just outdated ways of thinking about your abuser as a good person the way you did at the beginning of the relationship.
How do we fix it?
The simple answer is that we need to challenge those feelings. They come from the part of our brains that process thoughts automatically. Those come from thinking the same thoughts repeatedly and without challenging them.
So, we’re going to have to challenge that idea that we miss our (narcissistic) ex:
The “love” that was shared was simulated
The good times were not really that good
What I miss was a fantasy, not what truly happened
The second step is to recognize that you don’t have to do any of this alone.
Use your support system.
Your friends and family want what’s best for you. Ask for their help!
Grow your support system!
Our support system often suffers when we’re in an abusive relationship due to some of the isolating techniques employed by narcissists.
Take the time you would spend reminiscing about the good old days and use it to make some new healthy relationships.