Invest Slowly While Dating: You Are Worth The Wait
Let me know if this scenario sounds familiar at all:
You have met someone online who is interested in you. They seem charming and cute. They are looking for the same thing that you are. You are texting back and forth. There are cute messages being sent on Facebook and Instagram. You have sent them funny pics/memes and they’re really enjoying them. You’ve talked on the phone with them a few times. A date to meet is set up after two or three weeks of digital flirting.
By now you are building up some feelings and a lot of hope. This person seems really right. They might be your person that makes all of this dating crap worth it!
Unfortunately, when you meet, it isn’t quite as good as your imagination. The messages gave both of you the time necessary to craft the perfect reply. It just isn’t flowing as easily in person. They don’t quite want the same things as you. The chemistry is a little off. A red flag or two starts popping up…. Now there are deal breakers starting to materialize.
You’re disappointed. Maybe a little crushed. Sometimes you are straight up devastated. You put a lot of hope, energy and investment into this first date. This bad experience means that you are back to square one. It can take a while to recover from our own ideas of where something like this is going.
The dating world is tough. I applaud everyone in that journey. It can be a cast-iron pain in the butt trying to understand how to be vulnerable and not get too injured. The reality is that we do have to play this game a little defensively. I’m not saying to be closed off. I am saying to let the experience reveal itself as it was intended rather than try to guess the ending of the story in the first few moments. This means that we have to be careful with how and when we invest in someone and the potential relationship.
If you look at the dating chart, we’ve added a few facets of a relationship to use as a guide for when to progress. Keep in mind, this chart is showing what a solid, healthy relationship looks like. There are not any bumps in the road on here. If any of these facets are not measuring up, the choice of person and the relationship are probably not measuring up either.
REMEMBER: YOU ARE WORTH THE TIME TO GO SLOWLY. WHAT STARTS FAST, ENDS FAST.
You’ll notice that values should remain consistent across the whole span. Your values may change and adapt over the years, but they should always be a guiding force. Having a significant other who shares your values and helps to develop them is key. You should never compromise your core values.
Next, we have interest. Your levels of interest will fluctuate with time. That’s just the reality of how it is with people. This means that we will have to develop ways to keep that part going. That’s fodder for an entirely different article though! Sometimes interest is natural, but time, attention, and the length of the relationship mean that it will be work sometimes. Being willing to work at it is great, but make sure that it’s a relationship worth that work.
You’ll notice the next three follow a very similar trajectory. Investment, Intimacy and Affection are often tied together.
Intimacy should climb the fastest initially. I’m not necessarily talking about sexy time (but that is very important). I’m talking about emotional intimacy. I’m talking about having a connection with someone who knows and understands your thoughts and how you present them. I mean having positive regard and respect for each other and your goals. As intimacy grows, the other parts should follow.
Investment is on the heels of intimacy. The relationship and the other person will continue to align with your values and you begin to make plans. Starting small, like dates and growing. Long weekends, living together, forming a future and reaching for the goals that you both share for each other and your lives.
Affection and positive regard will grow with investment and intimacy. Eventually, it will turn into love. By moving slow and reminding yourselves that you and the relationship are worth the wait, you will know that it truly has grown into love and not lust.
We included a rough time frame for you too. In the beginning, growth should be seen over the course of adventures. This doesn’t mean texting or messaging. This means being up all night talking together about the truly meaningful. This is going together to a wedding and navigating all of your weird friends and family. An adventure is taking care of the other person when they get sick or working together when you get lost or blow a tire on the side of the road. You get it. Look for real life experience together.
As you grow into the middle, you have time for life to intrude on your new relationship. You hash out differences and have time to learn about the business of running a relationship. This time period needs to be long enough to have some more adventures, have some of the shiny newness to wear off, and grow into a loving connection.
The final stretch is a long-term loving relationship. This will last you years. Hopefully, all of them! Sternberg’s recipe for an LTLR is three parts, Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment. By moving forward, a little slower and truly letting the experience unfold, you will know what you are getting into without as much risk of hurting yourself when it doesn’t need to happen.