The Good Daughter Trap – Being an Adult Daughter of a Narcissist

We received an amazing response to our article entitled Sons of Anarchy: Children of Narcissists. We were asked if we could provide some insight about the challenges faced when you are the daughter of a Narc.

People that we work with come from primarily from the side of survivors of narcissistic abuse or other predatory personality types. The resulting pain from being raised in such a way that this type of abuse was considered “normal” can alter a person’s trajectory in life and their view of the world.

In the case of a daughter, we eventually get out into the world and learn what it means to actually be normal and to develop an expectation that are actually healthy if we put in enough work.

For daughters of narcissistic parents, we can fall victim to a “good daughter” trap.

Think about it. Once you reach adulthood, you spend a ton of time and energy growing stronger and learning what it means to be mentally and physically healthy. This often requires a sacrifice and getting in touch with some difficult truths about yourself and your family.

We get this idea that, if we can grow and change into a healthy adult who is capable of genuine love and affection, even with our difficult upbringing, maybe our narcissistic parent can too. The problem with this is that a narcissist is not one who wants to change the core makeup of who they are. They want to feed on you, not grow with you.

Daughters are traditionally more likely to keep in continual contact with their parents and to include them in big moments such as weddings, births, birthdays and the usual annual holidays. Taking care of parents and including them is looked at as a reward for the hard work of raising you through childhood. For healthy parents, it’s simply the natural reciprocal relationship that parents and children have.

For narcissists, it is the price they expect to be paid for the time and money they spent raising you (however false that might actually be). Their myopic world view narrows everything down to be about them. As a good daughter, you might believe that your overtures to that parent are going to inspire them to make a considerable change and begin to join you on the journey to a healthy relationship.

The hard fact is that what you are hoping to accomplish is being lost in translation. You are still feeding them. You are still giving them attention and time. You are bearing witness to their show. You are acknowledging their due by giving them what they want which is your adoration and devotion in spite of their bad behavior.

Look at what you do and think about what they do:

• Do they still lie?

• Do they continue to take credit?

• Do they try to manipulate you and others?

• Does your narcissistic parent still remain emotionally unavailable?

• Do they compete against you for attention even when is definitely about you?

You have to make a decision, dutiful daughter. Do you want to be in a happy and healthy space? How much are you willing to sacrifice to their ego? Is duty worth more to you and your wellbeing than your happiness and fulfillment?

It is often hard to look at the relationship realistically and to act decisively in your best interests. If you are a good person, it’s often difficult to behave as though you are not. Cutting off those toxic elements from your life does not hurt you long-term. It prevents you from wasting resources on their narcissistic hunger. That twinge of pain you feel is not being bad. It’s you coming to grips with the world as it is instead of the world that we all would prefer to live in.

Set boundaries for yourself. How much do you want to devote to this cycle that has existed since your childhood? If you can’t eliminate all contact, that’s understandable. Make sure that you are clear with yourself how far you are willing to go. It’s the best way to protect yourself and other that you share a relationship with.

Be a good daughter. Be good to yourself first though!