To Catch a Predator: Tips for spotting a predatory relationship
Sometimes a relationship just isn’t right.
This can take many different forms:
The person you are in a relationship might not be capable of having an emotional connection with another person.
The person has trouble committing to your relationship unless you pull away. Then they come back.
The person you are in a relationship with controls you with threats of violence, demeaning language, fear or other abusive behaviors.
The person is very charming, but only if they remain the center of attention.
What they all share in common is the fact that they take from you. They take your time, your dignity, your love, and your life. Relationships do have a give and take. Each person in it will give back to the other and receive what they need if the relationship is healthy. Being in a relationship with a person who has this predatory approach does not have this healthy balance.
People who have predatory tendencies are not easy to spot. We are not talking about someone who is obviously abusive. This isn’t someone who takes away all of your money and freedom and keeps you socially isolated. This isn’t a case where you can immediately point to the other person and say “you need to get away”. Predators are more subtle.
Let’s look at the traits of a predator in nature:
Predators have great camouflage.
Predators look for weaknesses to exploit.
Predators feel nothing for their food beyond hunger.
Predators pursue, stalk or ambush.
Predators adapt to what they are hunting.
Predators understand how to avoid getting hurt.
These traits exist the types of relational predators too. Let’s look at camouflage. Predators can fake being a nice person. A predator will be a good person. They will do things to make themselves attractive. This can be seen in their appearance and how they act. They are often excellent conversationalists and fun to be around. They will keep themselves up physically and rarely be seen with a hair out of place. This includes the ability to mimic positive emotions. We all know that feeling positive emotions from our partner is key to developing trust and affection. This allows the predator to move on to the next item on our list above.
By developing trust, predators are able to root around and find weakness. Are you insecure in relationships? Are there secrets that you would only tell to someone you are intimate with? For a predator, this is paydirt. This is how they will manipulate you. This is how they will maintain control of you. Predatory personalities know how to take what they need from you.
They are not able to feel empathy. Taking is what they do. They cannot give you what you need. They provide a facsimile of a relationship in order to take your genuine emotions to nourish themselves. They don’t feel the need to change. They don’t want to “get better”. You cannot change them. You will not benefit from trying. The best thing you can do is learn not to be food.
Predators will pursue you until you are hooked. They will study you. They will gain insight and create a solid mental map of how to approach you. Once you have bought into their lies, the relationship changes. The taking begins. If you try to assert yourself and regain control, a fight will break out. They will manipulate through being the victim. If you don’t buy the wounded animal trick, the teeth come out. They will verbally or physically abuse you until either surrender or escape. They are never wrong. It is always your fault.
If you manage to beat back the predator, you must be on guard. They will stalk and circle you (think like a wolf in the woods). They will look for a moment of weakness to come sneaking back in. They will use what they know to get back in.
We all get those gut feelings. We sometimes choose to ignore them. This is the place where a predator thrives. If you start to notice some of these red flags in your relationship, it’s time to pause and reevaluate. When we want to buy into the lies that we are being offered, there can be several of those “it couldn’t happen to me” moments. Reach out to someone and get the actual support that you need.