Social Media and Trust
Let’s talk about how territorial you are. Do you get a twinge of jealousy when someone looks at your significant other? Do you look at your partner and wonder if they are looking back? Are you calculating their reaction? Do you feel it is mostly positive? Negative? Neutral? How much time do you spend thinking about it?
People in relationships have always worried about others’ interference and whether or not their partner is complicit in it. The very first advice column (March 22nd, 1692) in a newspaper featured advice related to whether or not unmarried people of different sexes could hug each other or kiss each other on the cheek.
Social media has entered into modern relationships in a big way. Not only are we concerned about in-person interactions, but we have the potential of our significant other accessing the entire world though their phones and laptops. How much weight do we put on these interactions? Is it damaging to a relationship if a person likes another’s photo? Is looking at a photo of a person online any different than having a poster of somebody in the house?
What about exes? Do we have clear separations from an ex in this digital age? Are they still in your newsfeeds? Will they be suggested by another social media platform because of the way an algorithm is set up? In an age where there can be a breakup, but still a social media connection, is there a bigger chance of reconnecting with an ex? At one point, the fear was running into an ex in the supermarket and still having sparks. Now access can be near instant and continuous.
Are your feelings coming from signals that you are getting from outside or inside of yourself?
People have baggage from relationships. We all need to work through it. Notice I didn’t say just deal with it. We need to examine our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Are they rooted in reality? Do they come from our hurt? If we drag too much of our previous relationship into our next one, we can damage it. Make sure that if there is a concern, there’s some validity to it.
Are those feelings coming from inside or outside of your relationship?
I’m not necessarily talking about every simple interaction. If your partner is constantly reaching out to others in a flirtatious manner on social media however, there is a problem. If they are being propositioned consistently in their DMs, you are right to feel some concern. This applies to you and your habits as well.
So, what do we do?
You need to have a real conversation with yourself about your levels of insecurity and the extent of your trust. Like I said above, sometimes concerns are valid. If that’s the case, they need to be addressed with the relationship. This means setting up boundaries that work for both of you. For example: do you say no social media for either of you? It’s possible, but difficult considering that it is often the easiest way to keep up with family.
What about if an ex contacts you or them? Is a response okay? Is ignoring them appropriate? Is it fine as long as you are both transparent and communicate that it happened? You two will need to negotiate (not dictate) the finer points.
Boundaries are all about respect. That means respect for both of you, your privacy, and for the relationship. If you are constantly monitoring someone, that is not respectful. If you constantly believe someone of wrongdoing, they will hide things from you simply because they will not trust someone who will not trust them. By keeping an open dialogue about your experience and theirs, you will be able to decrease that sense of insecurity that you are feeling.
This leads us to trust. We know that this can be slow to build and easy to destroy. If you are being respectful and extending trust to them, then you will be rewarded with the same. Communication and intimacy build that trust. (Check out our tips on communication here and here). This requires some vulnerability on your part. We have to give to get. In a healthy relationship, there will be a continual flow of give and get.
This cannot be a one-sided process. If it is, the relationship will degrade and end. Here’s the thing about relationships: We can’t look at them as if they all follow the same course. Each one is unique. Our assumptions can make or break them. Instead of assuming, work together and create the one you both want.