What a Guy is thinking about when it’s “Nothing.”
Guys can be quiet…sometimes too quiet… What is going on with them when they are not speaking? Depending on your feelings of comfort and security in the relationship, you could jump to some uncomfortable conclusions about what’s going on with them. Could they be mad at you? Did you say/do something wrong? Are they up to something? How innocent is their silence?
The reality is that guys tend to talk less than women. There are exceptions, but the majority have to make an effort to communicate with the frequency that makes women more comfortable. This is due to the way men are socialized. Men are taught to value action and stoicism. Men who talk very frequently when around other men will often be met with a little discomfort from those other guys. If a man can say it in one word instead of two, he will. (He gets extra points if he can get his point across with only a grunt.)
This means that he will often consider what he says before saying it. That is assuming he is focused on talking at all. This can lead to some translation issues when the opposite sex is trying to understand what his thought processes are like.
If it makes you feel better, the VAST majority of a man’s silence is entirely innocent and likely to be unrelated to any bad things at all.
So, what is going on when there is “Nothing?”
#1 The thought isn’t fully formed yet…or ever
Sometimes guys minds are jumping from subject to subject without really stopping to let something come together completely. They are not taught how to explain this convoluted process and generally just offer up the catchall nothing to say that it’s really not worth the pain of putting the journey together and then walking you down it because they might not even remember where they started. They’re trying to spare both of you.
#2 – The thought is embarrassing
They might be thinking about the terrible time that they were in class in fourth grade and spilled water on themselves so that it looked like they peed their pants. They may have had to live with that embarrassment for years. Guys relive unbidden hurtful memories even though years have passed and they are accomplished adults. It’s not always something they want to relive at that moment with another person.
#3 – He doesn’t want to cause a fight/be hurtful
We all think mean things when we are irritated. We will get mad over a small thing and just as quickly blow it off as inconsequential. Guys will often consider those thoughts and not want to share them with you in order to spare you those feelings of hurt. They know it was a short-term moment of irritation and don’t want you to pay for it.
#4 – The thought is super weird.
Wouldn’t it be cool if…? How would I handle it if…? Could I take that guy in a fight with nunchucks? Men think of all types of goofy scenarios all the time. Men’s imaginations don’t always resemble those of the suave sophisticated romantic that they are trying to make you think they are. Sometimes they are working to figure out what they would say if they were a 1930s era private detective and you were the dame who just walked into their office. Men have a rich (and sometimes embarrassing) fantasy life. They may not always be comfortable sharing it.
#5 – The thought is mundane
I need more fiber in my cereal. I need to pick up some 3/8 inch by 1-inch hex bolts. Some thoughts are so boring that men don’t really understand why anyone would want to know about them. There may be some concern that they want to appear more interesting and sharing those thoughts takes them in the opposite direction. Guys just want you to think they’re cool.
#6 – The thought is repetitive
If a guy is feeling concerned and has talked with you about it before, he may worry about sounding repetitive. It goes back to the concern about being boring. If he has a problem with his boss and he has complained about it recently, he could hesitate to bring it up again the next day. Nothing has changed, so why repeat himself?
#7 – There’s good stuff too
That fierce look of concentration (or blank stare) could be them thinking about how lucky they are that a person as wonderful as you cares so much for a slob like them. They are trying to figure out how that miracle happened. They might be figuring out how to plan a date or what to get you for your birthday. Nothing is sometimes the best a man has to cover themselves in that moment.
#8 – It really is nothing
Let me help you get an idea of this: Imagine an old west ghost town. The ground is parched desert. You can hear the wind whistle through the dilapidated buildings. A tumble weed blows across the vista. Now… remove the buildings. And the wind. And the desert. And the tumble weed. That’s the level of nothing we are talking about. Guys are able to just be mentally still at times. It’s one of their super powers. They can spend time in that state of nothing and simply be at rest.
In conclusion:
I hope this offers a little understanding this phenomenon of being a guy and what nothing looks like from the inside. Some gentle coaching can help a man open up a bit if you want to hear more about their inner lives: I know that you talked about your boss yesterday. If it is still weighing on you, I really do want to hear about it.
Remember it from the guys side too. He just doesn’t view the world in the same way as you. His brain literally works differently. Taking that into consideration will go a long way to making him feel like you really do understand him.