Long term loving relationships

Long-term studies following successful relationships have been going on for longer than many of us who grew up with the internet have been alive. They have looked at the lives, success, and happiness of people who were in relationships that lasted 30, 40, 50 years or more.

The question is: what makes it possible for us to spend that much time with the same person? We know that there will be hardship, setbacks, and conflicts. Life can get in our way too. We have to account for the relative health of the people as well.  We know that life also features opportunities to make ourselves and those in our life happy. Is the secret finding a soulmate? Is there one person for us in 7.5 billion people on the planet?

When we take a hard look at it, the odds are against us making it to one of those 50-year anniversaries. Accounting for all the different things that can go wrong, only about 7% of the current married population has made it there.

What does that tell us? It’s not easy. It’s not a fairy tale. We will not always be happy with (or sometimes like) our significant other.

Couples who have been together for a long time still fight. There is not a couple who never fights. We have tempers. Sometimes they get short. Sometimes we don’t pay attention or say the right thing. Couples even find fighting sometimes to be helpful. However, it’s generally not the majority.

Okay, so what do we need then for success? Robert Sternberg developed a theory for loving relationships by interviewing couples who made it a long time. He said it boiled down to three major components: Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.

What is Intimacy?

Intimacy is how well you know the mind and heart of your significant other. Do you feel a connection to them and does that feeling bring about a sense of closeness with them? Can you successfully guess how they will feel about a particular subject? Can they do the same for you? Do you share similar ideals? All of these are elements of intimacy.

The nature of Passion.

Passion is one of the elements that is most common in new relationships. It is that desire and fire. It is the attraction to your significant other that is both romantic and sexual. Passion is often the glue in the relationship. Passion pushes us to each other.  

Commitment keeps us together.

When a couple demonstrates that there is a commitment, the relationship grows stronger. This is not just saying you are now a couple, but also creating and moving towards plans you have made in the future. Commitment also is key in building trust.

Having these three elements helps reduce the risk that other forces can damage the relationship. Think of it as having the brick house in the three little pigs vs. big bad wolf story. It’s harder to damage a well-built house.

Think about it: if you want to share some of the more personal details of your heart, you are going to do that with someone who has committed to you. In turn, they are going to share more with you. This demonstration of vulnerability increases trust. This increases security. Which increases our desire to stay with our person. We want the best for them and they want the best for us. Happiness increases. If we are happy, we are more passionate. If we have a good amount of passion, we become more committed.

The couples who have all three components are the ones who refer to their better half as their best friend. They can’t picture being happier with anyone else. They are good apart but even better together. Sternberg refers to this as consummate love.

When you talk about relationship goals, you will often find that the compelling part falls into one of these three components.