Being the person who deserves a great relationship
You know what I always had trouble with as I aged? The idea that women should be seeking their knight in shining armor. I have no qualms about the desire to want a man who is chivalrous. The idea that a man should have a code to live by that understands duty, sacrifice, protecting those he is with and looking to be part of something bigger than himself sounds like phenomenal qualities to seek in a mate. Especially if you are looking for a long-term loving relationship.
Nope, all that stuff is great. I have a problem with the shining armor. That is the sure sign that that person has never has used it to any degree. Armor that has been used will show signs of wear, be dented, have been repaired. The man using it will have some rough edges. He will have seen, survived, and overcome some serious events. That is the kind of man who deserves respect.
Hearing about princesses have often been a challenge for me as well. A princess is not expected to do anything for herself, including negotiating who she is going to be married to. Looking around, it’s the everyday women who are able to marry for romance and take care of the relationship who get me the most interested. She can do it all: Support, grow, nurture, fight, and carry her weight without a staff of twenty assistants.
Looking at the way that people are dating, I see a similar trend. We look at the surface. Our knights and princesses are good to look at, but don’t seem to be able to deliver in the end. Part of this originates from our associated expectations with the people we are dating.
What do we look for in a relationship? We want someone we are attracted to body, mind and spirit. We want to know this individual is steadfast and able to help us grow as a person. We want them to make us laugh when we are sad. We want them to support us when we are unsure. That knight in shining armor needs to treat us like a princess. That princess needs to give us her favor for the effort we put into the ordeal.
All of these wonderful features are perfect to have in a mate. What we need to remember is that our mate is looking for those same qualities.
We need to be the person that we’re looking for. I can’t expect the other person to give me their undivided attention and not give them the same. I need to be willing to sacrifice for that person if they’re willing to sacrifice for me. I must accept their genuine apology if I want them to accept mine.
It’s not about finding the person who will make big, romantic gestures. It’s about finding the person who you want to perform big romantic gestures for.
In a loving relationship, we are called by our hearts to service. In turn, our significant other is pulled to do the same for you. We take turns carrying the burdens. We make up for the other’s frailties. We rely on their great strengths.
Intent is important. I don’t expect a person to do everything perfectly. I don’t expect them to always carry their weight in a situation. I expect them to try. I want someone who I can compete with to see who can take care of the other person more. (Who doesn’t want to argue over who gets to give the other a backrub first?)
You’re not foolish. You know when you are being exploited. Don’t stay in a relationship that cannot deliver what you need. Remember that you need to develop the relationship together. Don’t expect to have the intimacy of a long-term relationship in weeks. (Check out our article on committing in a relationship here.) Be smart in your choices. You don’t find a healthy love by being blind. You find it by going in with eyes wide open. While you’re at it, go in with a wide-open heart and mind too. Expect to give and to get.
A simple test for yourself:
Fill in the blank.
If they don’t_____________ then I won’t __________.
(If they don’t listen when I have a concern then I won’t listen to them either.)
Now think about that person that has all of those wonderful qualities you are looking for. Would they respond the same? I imagine so. We’re not talking about 2D cardboard cutout knights and princesses. We’re talking about real, imperfect people who just happen to be perfect for us.
If I don’t ________________ why would they __________?
(If I don’t take care of them when they are sick why would they do it for me?)
When you’re with the right person, there is a sense of security that develops through your actions. It’s not about keeping score. It’s about keeping it going and getting better. I know that my significant other will do what they’re supposed to. I will do the same. I don’t do it because I’m afraid to let them down or that they might see that I’m not doing my part. I do it because I genuinely care for their wellbeing and success. It shines through.
Moral of the story: Be the person that you are looking for and you will attract that person to you.
And…. you will both work together to
LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER…