8 ways to help a loved one through their grief

Don’t start overthinking.

Don’t intellectualize the pain.

Don’t try to lead them.

Quiet is Okay.

Movement is not always good.

You don’t need to take away the pain.

Accept that it’s confusing.

There is not a timeline to “getting over it”.

It can be a hard thing to go through a period of grieving. We often rely upon others to help us get the things that we need accomplished. We’re not necessarily in the right mind. We spend a lot of time in our heads and in our hearts and don’t always listen to the world as attentively as we normally would due to the noise that our pain creates. Those blocks can be difficult to overcome. People need time. They need understanding. They need our help.

I don’t know about you, but I worry that I may screw something up for somebody else far more frequently than I worry about messing up my own stuff. The whole point of me helping someone is to ease their burdens, not create more work for them. If it’s for me, I can always go back and fix it later. If it’s for you, I want it right. I want it done. I want it in the past.

First things first: don’t start overthinking.

When it comes to something as important as helping someone you care about work through their loss, there can be a ton of pressure on us as the caregiver. Most people will be happy for your genuine help. If you are doing something that is too uncomfortable, you will get feedback. Allow yourself some slack.

Don’t intellectualize the pain.

We are looking to help our friend or family member find the joy that they took from the person (or pet even) that they had through their life. We must honor that spirit rather than seek ways to compartmentalize or intellectualize. Our curiosity in listening to stories about the people we are close to will help heal far more than becoming an expert on grief recovery statistics.

Don’t try to lead them.

We want to sometimes drag the person who is grieving out into the world. Instead of pushing or pulling them along, try simply moving beside them. A gentle nudge when we walk along side of someone is often all it takes to get them going in a new direction. They will feel supported and you will be able to get them to go in healthy directions. 

Quiet is Okay.

This can be a hard one. We are often uncomfortable when a silent period lingers for a while. People need quiet to process and that’s part of the journey. If we are constantly bombarded with noise and questions, we don’t have the ability to find conclusions for ourselves.

Movement is not always good.

We sometimes need to be still. Sometimes the pain of what we are going through is so great that our bodies are simply overwhelmed and we’re unable to move at all. We can barely manage to stay off the floor. It can also be one of the first moments that we are feeling at peace over a loss. It might be that initial break in the pain that starts the healing process. We only are able to recognize it when we are able to be in it for a time. Remember that it is okay to sit in that stillness and quiet with a grieving person.

You don’t need to take away the pain.

It’s not your job to take away the person’s pain. Taking care of our loved one means being present with them in their pain. We have to support them and be with them through it. We can’t be responsible for resolving their pain. It’s an impossible burden for a caregiver.

Accept that it’s confusing.

We have rules that we learned for how death affects us. There are rituals to follow. These are ordered and logical because, quite often, we are neither ordered nor logical inside ourselves during this time. There will be huge turbulent emotions and they don’t always make sense. There might be guilt, regret, sadness, anger and others that were expected. Some emotions may surprise everyone such as a sense of relief if our loved one was suffering. The confusion and disorder are natural and won’t vanish by being rigid.

There is not a timeline to “getting over it”.

We have to be careful not to impose a timeframe to someone’s grief. We will likely become functional before we are through processing our grief. We will return to work, hang out with friends, learn to adapt to that empty spot at the dinner table, but we really won’t be “over it.” Surprise reminders will still trigger strong emotions. The strength we gain from leaning on our friends and family will allow us to cope with it. Our job as the caretaker is to follow the same lessons above. Be present and supportive and let them regain their footing. Eventually, they will learn to live their new reality.