Layers of communication – 5 tips to navigate dating and intimacy
In dating and relationships, the little details matter in conversation. Are you able to pick up on the thread of the conversation easily with the other person? Can you follow it? Does it interest you? Are you familiar enough with it to have a good exchange about it?
Intimacy is built in understanding the rhythm created by the two of you. This doesn’t mean that there will not be an awkward pause or two. You are not required to sound like lifelong friends immediately. Think of it like dancing: when it is with a new partner, we might accidentally step on their foot until we get used to their sweet moves.
Tip #1 – Start with simple and easy.
One of the ways that we can make this easier is by starting with topics that are simple and approachable to most people that we run across. Asking how the drive was to get to the date or if they have been to the restaurant before is light and gives people the opportunity to be witty, funny or practical and set a tone for the beginning. You can build on it with observations about the world. The goal is to be relatable. To go back to our dancing metaphor, we’re going to start with a two-step, not a tango. This way you both know the steps.
Tip #2 – Gradually make it more personally significant.
As you warm up, you can begin to talk about material that is more significant to you personally. This gives you a chance to show off your personality and character. You will start to get to know each other far better at this point. Notice that we are not addressing anything too deeply personal yet. They don’t need to know all of the ways you have failed in the dating world yet. I would recommend that you avoid most of your weirder thoughts for now too. Stick to your preferences in food, music and hobbies. Your job will likely come up. Keep it surface level for now.
Tip #3 – Look for signs of comfort.
Look for signs that the bond between you two is growing. Does their body language look relaxed? Is the conversation flowing? When your (mutual) comfort grows, add in some of your goals in life. Do you aspire to another path than the one you are on? What are the important things in your life? What do you value? These topics show an increase in trust. The familiarity of the surface topics combined with the vulnerability of the deeper subjects will build intimacy. Keep in mind that this will likely take more than one outing together.
Tip #4 – Gradually increase intimacy.
Since you have developed a rhythm, you will learn when to let out more of your intimate thoughts. A first date is not where we should hear “I am already thinking about what our dog’s name will be.” Even if you are thinking that, hold it back until the appropriate level of intimacy is established. Red Flags pop up when we are either open too fast or we drag behind the other person. Remember, the pace is relative to the two of you. Don’t pressure yourselves to keep up with outside standards.
Eventually, the picture of who you truly are as a person will be fully realized. You can talk about your fears and desires. You will be able to showcase who you are without worrying if you are about to reveal something too personal. At this depth of intimacy, the trust and confidence are where they need to be to build a long-term loving relationship.
Tip #5 – Build a solid foundation first.
Remember, this is a building process. Intimacy will wax and wane within the normal course of the relationship. Sometimes insignificant topics will lead someplace deep. A conversation about pets could lead to a moment where you share how a treasured animal kept you from sinking into a terrible depression. Those moments happen too. They are not a shortcut to that more complete intimacy, just moments of faster progress.
By investing the time into building your intimacy through conversation, you will let in the right person and screen out the ones who are not the best fit. It’s not who gets there the fastest, it’s about enjoying the journey and creating a healthy relationship.