In Defense of Anger: 5 tips for mastering your anger

Ever wonder why we still get mad? We are a civilized people. We have the ability to access information and materials from any corner of the globe.

Society has evolved.

Technology has evolved.

So…why haven’t we evolved?

We are the same way we were when we still got up at dawn, went to bed soon after dusk, and filled our day with farming. We really have not “advanced” very far at all.  Civilized society is able to give us a measure of safety unheard of since the dawn of time. We are healthier, better fed, and live longer. Do we really need to get rid of our anger?

The short answer is NO. The negative, difficult emotions are a gift to us the same way that Happiness is. We are wired to get angry. It is one of the six basic emotions built into every human being on the planet. Anywhere you go, people are capable of recognizing it regardless if we are talking about Papua New Guinea or Paris. Being angry or fearful serves a valuable purpose to us. It allows us to keep ourselves safe and motivates us to be able to protect ourselves and others.

These emotions are valuable to us the same way that any tool is. We can use them to make our lives better. Have you ever been angry at someone or something and used it as a motivator to make yourself do better at something? I know that being angry has gotten me ahead in my career before and helped me get better about exercise habits too. There can be a focused use of anger that is very beneficial.

Like any tool, they can be misused and misunderstood. (I still have no idea what some of the stuff is at Home Depot, but I still want it!). When we react in anger towards an injury, physical or emotional, we are responding to a fear associated with that pain and our reaction is to get it to stop. This is helpful when we are being attacked. It’s not so great when we get really mad at our significant other.

I’m not talking about cases where the person in our relationship is toxic and trying to manipulate or cause us harm. I am assuming you’re in a relatively healthy relationship in this post and that you don’t want your anger to spill on to them. It’s okay to get angry. It’s not okay to let that dictate the next thing that happens.

Tip #1: When you get angry, you need to pause.

We get into habits. If you are in the habit of reacting instantly to anger in all contexts, you are more inclined to cause damage where you don’t intend to. Pausing gives us time to determine if our anger is serving our interests. So, pause and take a moment to assess the source of the anger.

Tip #2: Get some clarity.

If you are getting mad at someone because of the way they said something to you, it might be a good idea to figure out the intent. Could it be that you simply misunderstood them? Some people are honestly terrible at sharing their thoughts. Asking them to explain can go a long way towards reducing your anger. We’ve all done it. Sometimes being the “patient person” is just being the one who asks that one more question before getting angry.

Tip #3: Think things through.

What is the benefit of getting mad? Will it improve your situation? Your relationship? Make your family or friends respect you more? Most likely, it won’t help a whole lot. Once again, sometimes anger is the right tool for the job. But it can’t be a knee-jerk reaction. Why are they saying it? How? What benefit is there to hurt you enough to get mad? There probably isn’t one. You know the people you surround yourself with. They are seeking to get you to hear something important to them and are willing to risk hurting you to get that point across. Maybe listening for an extra minute is worth it.

Tip #4: Choose your actions carefully

Once you have an idea of the source of your pain and the accompanying anger, it becomes easier to spot the best solution to solve it. Anger is a necessary quick fix in some situations (especially ones where you are legitimately in danger). It can also do more harm that good. Pick the right path and it could solver the problem later on. If someone get’s you mad from what they said, you don’t need to opt for asking for a repeat (you know, the famous “what did you just say to me?”) Instead, consider saying: “It seems like you are trying to tell me something that is bothering you. What’s going on?” You will look great and the other person will feel heard and respect you more.

Tip #5: Be forgiving and flexible

Be able to forgive yourself if you sometimes go over the line. Learn from it. Just don’t let it eat at you too much. Forgive yourself the way you would forgive your best friend. Also give others that same respect. They’re going to need understanding through their experience too.