How sacred is (phone) privacy to you in a relationship?

When you enter into a relationship, do you feel like your better half should be an open book? Have you ever said that there should be no secrets between the two of you? Are you sure that you want that? In that case: you should just volunteer that information even though your partner has not asked. Even if it hurts them. Even if it embarrasses you. Even if they will look at you differently afterwards.

When we use absolutes, we run the risk of breaking a relationship. If something needs a rule to enforce it in the relationship, it’s probably not coming from a good place. We have a rule: no cheating. In a healthy couple, this would not require a rule. Both members of the relationship work together to grow the relationship without needing enforcement.

When it comes to privacy, it is a matter of respect and trust.

I’m not talking about looking down at someone’s phone and seeing a missed call or at text message alert. That’s just like seeing an envelope in the mailbox. Big deal, that’s normal. Life will contain times when that happens. I am referring to asking for carte blanche to continually go through another’s personal information. That’s hurtful and invasive.

Having someone wanting to look at your phone can send an unflattering message about the trust in a relationship.  It also speaks to a feeling of insecurity in the relationship. What is your reason for wanting to be in your partner’s phone? Is it due to evidence that they are keeping a damaging secret from you? Or are you listening to some of that insecure “noise” that we all have in our heads?

Here’s another example of the noise I’m talking about:

When we look at someone who has anxiety in therapy, we look for evidence. A person may say to me “They think I am ugly.” My response is usually to ask “when did they say this to you?” Quite often, it’s not something that has ever been said to my client. It’s something that they thought might be said to them and they have been behaving as though it was the truth.

If you are concerned enough to want to go through your significant other’s phone, you need to be concerned enough to have a conversation with them.  You honestly would not want that for yourself. Remember, having nothing to hide is different from having someone double check that for you. On top of that, you can miss out on context that you’re not familiar with. Combine that lack of context with some of that “noise” and you have the beginnings of trouble.

Really examine the motivation for why you want to see your partners phone. Is it due to attachment anxiety? (Read what that is HERE). Is there some insecurity in the relationship? It can come from either side.

In order to develop a strong relationship, develop strong communication and collaboration. Those two tools will get you to where you want to be. In short, you don’t need to go through your partner’s phone to get some reassurance if you develop a solid foundation.